Hugely disappointed

I consider myself an enthusiastic fan of Rihanna for her musical abilities and for the role she's embraced in speaking out about abuse in the wake of last year's assault. Additionally, she devoted a number of tracks from her latest album to the subject of relationship abuse. Having said that, I'm left speechless and confused by her latest musical collaboration with Eminem. The melody is catchy but the lyrics are horrific -- doubly so when she is the one singing them, given her real-life experience with this issue. Read the lyrics here.



Like the athlete who bemoans the behavioral expectations that come with celebrity, Rihanna may not want to accept that every project she'll work on in years to come will be assessed with the assault in mind. I am sympathetic to not wanting to be defined by an unpleasant situation; but it's part of the responsibility she accepted by leaving and speaking out. She needs to consider what kind of message this is sending to the very girls she hoped to lead out of unhealthy situations.

Update 8/9/10: Buzz has built over the video as analysts and experts have broken down the underlying messages and complicated dynamics of not only the songwriting but also the pairing of Eminem and Rihanna.

From Women's Media Center:

Rihanna explained her motivations for being in the video to Access Hollywood. ... Rihanna has certainly made an effort since she unwittingly became the spokesperson for domestic violence to use that platform to give a voice to abused young women ...

By contrast, Eminem has never claimed to champion the cause of unheard, abused women, and in fact has often been identified as a perpetrator of domestic violence. While staging a similar “comeback” tour to the one he is staging now in 2008, Eminem told Esquire, “I’m a T-shirt guy now. But wifebeaters won’t go out of style, not as long as bitches keep mouthing off.” Eminem’s problematic relationship with women is also apparent in his popular music video for the song “Stan,” which ends with Eminem’s alter ego putting his pregnant girlfriend in the trunk of his car and driving off a bridge.

Precedents such as these immediately problematize Eminem’s goal of shedding light on both sides of domestic violence, especially as only the male voice (Eminem’s verses) describes an inherent contradiction in his feelings, or a hint of  three-dimensionality ... The woman’s only voice (Rihanna’s lines) does nothing but profess to love the abusive relationship– she likes the way it hurts.

 From MTV:

"The most important thing the video is doing is raising the topic of dating violence among young people," Stephanie Nilva, executive director of sexual assault and trauma resource center Day One, told MTV News.

An expert in relationship violence and domestic abuse prevention, Nilva praised the clip for accurately depicting a pattern typical of abusive relationships. ...

 From Feministing:

... the song doesn’t clearly condemn violence against women or intimate partner violence. In some ways, it can be easily read as a song about relationship troubles that may not necessarily require an intervention because the woman never leaves. If the old adage is true that the first step in solving any problem is admitting that you have one, this song seems to fail at clearly identifying that what we are observing is dysfunctional violence. The fact that the track is included on an album titled “Recovery” doesn’t help in clarifying things. The situation is also worsened by the portrayal of a survivor who seems complicit in her abuse because she doesn’t just love the way her aggressor lies, she “likes the way it hurts.” For me, this line scream [sic] victim-blaming central and it calls upon the counterproductive accusations that survivors sometimes face.

 From Women's Rights:

I see a significant problem with Rihanna's lines about liking the pain because, while it seems to read as a woman in love trying to justify staying, it confuses some people about the distinction between S&M and domestic violence. Non-abusive S&M is a consensual act between two partners for mutual pleasure; a situation like the one in the song, where the violence comes out of anger and pushed the abused partner to try to leave, and where it escalates to potential murder, is not S&M, it's just domestic abuse. ...

After all, approximately 1000 women (or more) are killed each year by intimate partners. Maybe Eminem and Rihanna could have worked that stat into their duet?

From M.G.H.: What we see is a reflection of the lyrical ambivalence toward the issue of domestic abuse. Most people sounding off online are relieved that the song has extended the national dialogue on abusive relationships, but there are many (this writer included) that are uncomfortable with how passive and supportive the victim is to her situation and the disturbing message that ultimately is sent. As Alex DiBranco from Women's Rights writes:

I hope that most people's take-away message isn't along the lines of victim-blaming, misunderstanding consensual S&M, or minimizing violence. Women's lives depend on it.

Shades of grey

I'm more at peace now than ever with the fact that no one is all good or all bad. Even Public Enemy No. 1 (whomever that may be at a certain point in time) may stop and guilelessly offer candy to kids. As more time passes from the sadness in recent years, I can appreciate the whole composition of each individual residing in the frozen frames in my mind. Where I've concentrated on the darkness in past posts, I have created space in my mind to see also the good that was mixed into the picture.

It is in this intersection -- between goodness and evil -- that humanity finds its redemption and condemnation. There is the hope that goodness will prevail in each of us and subsequently in our world, but there is the knowledge that the other half may win out in that individual at that time. What's important to me is never to give up on someone. History has redemption stories sewn into its quilted testimony of humanity's potential. We do not ever get the full story, but what we see resonates with examples around us in present day and we can fill the gaps with what we've witnessed.

Saul is a classic example. A hater of Christians to the extent of imprisoning and killing as many as he could, this man later would address them as 'brothers' and contribute a bulk of writings to their main book of guidance. "I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong -- that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith," St. Paul writes in Romans 1:11. Could this be the same man?

Perhaps the majority of soulful changes aren't as drastic, but all are notable. And all should be remembered -- not just the changes from hatred to love, but also the falls from good. Those are equally a part of humanity's story. They serve as a cautionary tale that our souls are on the battlefield; good and evil are fighting daily to gain ground. What many of us don't realize is how much these daily skirmishes do count until their results are manifested in an act that seems foreign to our nature and we struggle to comprehend how we might have arrived there.

In times when I might be surprised by words that come out of my mouth or a particular action that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of me, Socrates' words return to me: "The unexamined life is not worth living." The Jesuits, founded by St. Ignatius of Loyola, educated me in college and I am grateful to their influence. In addition to their emphasis on social justice and serving others, they also taught me about a nightly reflection called "The Examination of Conscience." In it, one remembers the day and thinks of the moments that were well-lived and those in which one fell short of his/her potential. With this practice, goodness gains ground in the awareness and commitment to do better the next day. And by acknowledging that we are works in progress, our compassion grows for those around us, as well.

'Under Construction' sign in Singapore; Photo credit: Flickr user 'hellochris'

Breaking the silence

I've been treading water this past week, so to speak; I thought I'd share this new favorite with you while I work on my next post:

Calling all word nerds

I stumbled upon a list tonight that I think is too good to pass up. Aside from the satisfaction that comes from beefing up your vocabulary, you never know when one of these rare words might come in handy.

Imagine you're in the hot seat on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and poised to win the purse with only one remaining question. You've used all your lifelines. You land on this: What is another word for the infinity symbol? A.) Philtrum B.) Ferrule C.) Glabella D.) Lemniscate

Are you going to see confetti falling or will you walk away wishing you had checked out the Top 10 Words For Things You Didn't Know Have Names?

I hope for your lunules that it's the former, my friend.

Locked out!

Photograph by M.G.H. upon returning home.

 For the record it's 3 a.m. I called the proverbial red phone of my apartment building only to find out that getting someone out of bed to open the front door would cost me $45.

You may be thinking: "$45? What's the hangup? Pay it, march upstairs and crawl into bed." But maybe, like me, you're not. I'm revolting on principle, refusing to part with half-a-hundred dollars for the simple act of crossing a threshold. My fiscal rebel envisions bills on my kitchen table that would receive that amount with greater appreciation than a leasing office that already gets more than enough each month. 

Don't get me wrong. I've already thought longingly of the shower and soft bed just beyond my reach. I've been guiltstricken imagining my poor hungry kitty pacing the apartment, meowing her complaints. I've imagined the dazed stupor that'll cling to me tomorrow morning when I stumble from the backseat of my car to wait beside the front door for early risers to exit the building.

For now, I've converted the backseat of my car into a cradle of creativity. Laptop screen up. Earbuds in. New Age music wafting into my writing state of mind. At least in here I don't have to deal with wet concrete, giant bugs, or the feeling of vulnerability that cloaks a woman in the wee hours of the morning. At least in here, I can sleep without keeping one eye open for insects or predators.

I realize how blessed I am  to have this temporary 'apartment'. Sure it's smaller than my bed and isn't exactly designed for overnight stays, but it's safe, softer than the sidewalk, shelters me from the elements and if I get hot, I can run the A/C. How many people in the world can't say the same. 

In the first sixty minutes of my short exile from comfort, I'm reminded of how little we need and that having less allows us to appreciate the things that we do have even more. I am newly mindful of responsible ways to use the resources I possess.

But I'll definitely be double-checking my key ring each time I leave home.

"The most important job ... ever"

A recent discovery on the radio prompted me to pause and reflect on the importance of fatherhood (you'll find the song below).

I can't help but nod in agreement with the way Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, points to an aspect of his life that influenced all other components. "I won the parent lottery," he writes. "I was born with the winning ticket, a major reason I was able to live out my childhood dreams."

I've been blessed with an amazing father who has reassured us of his love for my mom and us, supported every dream my sisters and I have had, encouraged us to push ourselves to reach our potential, instilled within us a love of reading, the arts and travel, and challenged us to spend our lives in the pursuit of justice and in service to others.

But how many in our nation can't say that? Last month, President Obama reflected on the state of fatherhood in the Union. If you haven't heard his speech yet, I'd encourage you to check it out by watching it below or reading it here.



Key points the President makes:

• Fathers are our first teachers and coaches ... they’re our mentors, our role models.
• We also know that what too many fathers being absent means. ... We know that when fathers abandon their responsibilities, there’s harm done to those kids.
• It’s hard to live up to the lifelong responsibilities that come with fatherhood.
• Our children don’t need us to be superheroes.  They don’t need us to be perfect.  They do need us to be present.  They need us to show up and give it our best shot, no matter what else is going on in our lives.  They need us to show them -- not just with words, but with deeds -- that they, those kids, are always our first priority.
• No matter what doubts we may feel, what difficulties we may face, we all have to remember being a father -- it’s not just an obligation and a responsibility; it is a privilege and a blessing, one that we all have to embrace as individuals and as a nation.

The theme of supporting and holding fathers accountable in their efforts to be better dads is addressed in Sanctus Real's song "Lead Me". The lyrics capture the essence of marriage and fatherhood within the context of Christianity but the songwriter's struggle extends beyond any faith.

Balancing relationships and ambition is a central challenge to many in the USA (not just fathers) and is, in my opinion, at the heart of the American family unit dissolving. The song is a powerful testament, however, to that sense of responsibility and love that unites family, the importance of communicating through the difficulties, and the supernatural help that is within our reach, should we look for it.



I'll close with an excerpt from President Obama's speech:

"Those family meals, afternoons in the park, bedtime stories; the encouragement we give, the questions we answer, the limits we set, the example we set of persistence in the face of difficulty and hardship -- those things add up over time, and they shape a child’s character, build their core, teach them to trust in life and to enter into it with confidence and with hope and with determination. And that’s something they’ll always carry with them: that love that we show not with money, or fame, or spectacular feats, but through small daily acts -- the love we show and that we earn by being present in the lives of our children."

Unexpected milestones

It's funny. The experience of healing from trauma happens first in transitions from minute to minute (when it's all you can do just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other), to hourly, daily, then week-long and monthly steps away from the pain. 

Somewhere along the way, the memories that used to smother you disperse and -- if you're like me -- you start to focus more on the possibilities of Life than on what you were fortunate enough to leave behind. But it's days like today that snap me out of complacency and pseudo-amnesia to note the pervasive problem that affects millions in the USA alone, not to mention every other country around the world.

Shattering the cliched belief that domestic violence is a 'personal' problem to which one should turn a blind eye or deaf ear, a story broke this morning about a 37-year-old man in Albuquerque who shot dead two people and injured four more (among them his girlfriend) before turning the gun on himself. This is not an issue that is contained by the four walls of a home. It spills out onto our streets and into our workplaces. It often leaves the victims homeless (usually mothers with children, jeopardizing her ability to provide for them and their chance at an education). The cycle repeats itself with the nasty subtext that many who witnessed the horror as a child become perpetrators themselves, spawning new generations of abusers and the subsequent ripple effect across society.

The second event was the widespread reporting of a recorded abusive rant that was allegedly Mel Gibson threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend. The audio speaks for itself, but there are a few points worth noting:

• an abuser usually feels like the victim ("you see what you make me do?") 
• an abuser feels entitled and under-appreciated ("I deserve ...")
• an inflated self-image is usually paired with an excess of insecurity
• the problem is always with the other person
• the abuser criticizes anybody in the victim's support network to isolate the victim; the abuser may base criticisms on the way family members or friends fall short in loving the victim, according to the abuser's perspective, or on perceived lack of morality, pedigree, etc.
• Sample argument recycled from conversation to conversation: "You don't have any friends. I am your only friend and you treat me like ____, which is why you deserve to be treated this way. And if you were smart you'd see that the way I'm treating/hurting you is for your own good."
• the abuser can swing between provocation and efforts to silence (taunting/bullying the victim and then snapping when he/she speaks out) 
• abusers are unable to manage their anger, yet seek to use it to control others

I was hesitant to listen to the clip, unsure of how I'd react to returning to the past. While my heart breaks for the women who are still caged by rage, I was reassured. I could hear the attacker's words and with a knowing nod -- instead of teary eyes or a racing heart -- note in myself a healthy level of detachment. While the rant took me back to the tumult of years past, it also accentuated the peace (and welcome silence) I have savored since leaving. May all those who feel trapped find a safe and healthy way out.