Unexpected milestones

It's funny. The experience of healing from trauma happens first in transitions from minute to minute (when it's all you can do just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other), to hourly, daily, then week-long and monthly steps away from the pain. 

Somewhere along the way, the memories that used to smother you disperse and -- if you're like me -- you start to focus more on the possibilities of Life than on what you were fortunate enough to leave behind. But it's days like today that snap me out of complacency and pseudo-amnesia to note the pervasive problem that affects millions in the USA alone, not to mention every other country around the world.

Shattering the cliched belief that domestic violence is a 'personal' problem to which one should turn a blind eye or deaf ear, a story broke this morning about a 37-year-old man in Albuquerque who shot dead two people and injured four more (among them his girlfriend) before turning the gun on himself. This is not an issue that is contained by the four walls of a home. It spills out onto our streets and into our workplaces. It often leaves the victims homeless (usually mothers with children, jeopardizing her ability to provide for them and their chance at an education). The cycle repeats itself with the nasty subtext that many who witnessed the horror as a child become perpetrators themselves, spawning new generations of abusers and the subsequent ripple effect across society.

The second event was the widespread reporting of a recorded abusive rant that was allegedly Mel Gibson threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend. The audio speaks for itself, but there are a few points worth noting:

• an abuser usually feels like the victim ("you see what you make me do?") 
• an abuser feels entitled and under-appreciated ("I deserve ...")
• an inflated self-image is usually paired with an excess of insecurity
• the problem is always with the other person
• the abuser criticizes anybody in the victim's support network to isolate the victim; the abuser may base criticisms on the way family members or friends fall short in loving the victim, according to the abuser's perspective, or on perceived lack of morality, pedigree, etc.
• Sample argument recycled from conversation to conversation: "You don't have any friends. I am your only friend and you treat me like ____, which is why you deserve to be treated this way. And if you were smart you'd see that the way I'm treating/hurting you is for your own good."
• the abuser can swing between provocation and efforts to silence (taunting/bullying the victim and then snapping when he/she speaks out) 
• abusers are unable to manage their anger, yet seek to use it to control others

I was hesitant to listen to the clip, unsure of how I'd react to returning to the past. While my heart breaks for the women who are still caged by rage, I was reassured. I could hear the attacker's words and with a knowing nod -- instead of teary eyes or a racing heart -- note in myself a healthy level of detachment. While the rant took me back to the tumult of years past, it also accentuated the peace (and welcome silence) I have savored since leaving. May all those who feel trapped find a safe and healthy way out.

Knock, knock

You screen whom you open your front door to. Choose carefully whom you allow into your life. They are no less a threat to your sanity, well being, and happiness than a ne'er-do-well at your stoop is to your security.

Toxic relationships weaken you and render you less effective in daily life. They sap you of your energy, reducing you to robotic reflexes instead of pro-active postures. Even those relationships that may not be fully toxic but that do not help you grow into your ideal should be pruned.

Your time is not infinite. Time invested in those types of situations is squandered and irretrievable, an extended period of missed opportunities for growth and enrichment. Don't make the mistake of coasting through these relationships simply because they're not classified as a bio hazard or because they give fleeting moments of excitement or gratification. Long-term, you lose. Choose wisely whom you let into your life.

December 23, 2009

It's that time again ...

I used to hate New Year's. In addition to the outrageous price hikes and getting trampled by the masses vying for your spot in the bar, restaurant or parking lot, it all seemed so forced to decide because the calendar was on this day instead of that day that we were going to decide collectively to improve ourselves. That being said, I'm no fan of St. Valentine's Day for the same reason. The commercial underpinnings and emotional manipulation of consumers makes my stomach turn, but more importantly, the celebration of love and our loved ones should be an intentional *daily* -- not yearly -- act. The world would be a better place if we kept that as a focus.

My dislike for Valentine's Day remains, but my feelings for New Year's have changed. I now see the merit in setting aside time to reflect and resolve to be better. It's far too easy to let each day melt into the next and let inertia root us in the status quo. Setting aside time at regular intervals -- even if it is 365 days -- to pause and hold oneself accountable is a healthy habit that I am sorry I ever criticized. It may be true that most of us fall away from our resolutions temporarily or permanently during the year; but the fact that we don't succeed at a perfect record shouldn't negate the value of the effort and the worthiness of the cause. For that reason, this year I have decided to have New Year's every day: that is, to reflect nightly on what I did right, what I did wrong and what I could do better tomorrow. I've been doing it for the last couple of evenings and noticed a marked improvement in the amount of awareness I bring to each day, the baby steps in growth and the feeling of being more alive. In this way, too, the bite-sized efforts to grow daily allow me to focus on those other habits I might have made a vague resolution to change but felt overwhelmed or unsure of where to start. The structure is the vehicle for change.

It's been awhile...

I fell off the blog bandwagon and am caught by surprise when I see the date of my last post. What have I been up to? Searching for new streams of inspiration, infiltrating life as it plays out on the street, and drafting my dreams. I'm suffering from blog-backlog syndrome: having thought of -- but not yet written -- several ideas and not knowing where to begin; sifting through unfinished threads of thought; breaking past the filter I've let hamper the creative process.

I think it's an inevitable part of artistic growth to ride the ebbs and flows of creativity. You take in your surroundings, you let those impressions marinate, and then you produce something new using that experience and insight. I've been challenged a lot in recent weeks for reasons explored and not explored in this space. What I know is this: I see with newly critical eyes assumptions that have carried me into adulthood, that were formed in the unspoken moments in childhood and ultimately shape one's worldview. It's an exciting and vulnerable adventure to dig up and deconstruct or keep these beliefs. I've learned how much we are environmental sponges, and yet, also, how we have the freedom to reinvent ourselves with self-awareness and discipline. My way is this right now: Discern the unspoken attitudes harbored in the heart, analyze where those might come from, decide if they are worth keeping, and then act on that judgment.

Be bold and honest, and the rewards of a more intentional life will push you to new heights.

Living masterpieces

February 28, 2008

Simply existing does not mean that we become the person God intended when He created us. We are the coal that needs to be re-formed into the diamond. Only by inviting Him into our lives and efforts and not shielding ourselves from the pain that distills our essence further can that happen.

If marble had nerve centers, Michelangelo's sculptures would be screaming as he worked. Yet at the end of the process, they would step back and admire their form with awe, thanking him for releasing them from that which obscured their identity.

The same is true for us. We start out as a block of marble -- undefined to the untrained eye, yet God sees what is behind, beneath, within it all. He uses our frustrations, passions, pains and joys to chisel away the parts that obstruct our true selves. The more we invite Him into our lives, the more accurately we reflect His vision of who we are; so that, ultimately, we, too, will step back and thank Him -- despite the painful moments of definition -- for revealing our true selves and bringing us to life.

The journey has begun!

Creating a cybercorner for myself is no insignificant feat. I have a few friends to thank for encouraging and challenging me to break out of the protective shell of privacy I've hid in all these years. Inertia and fear have kept me rooted in the mentality, up to this point, that I write, but without risk of baring my soul to the world. But, as any artist who's been broken along life's path knows, perhaps the most frightening feeling is closure of one's expressive outlet and creative censorship.

A friend tonight put into clarity a question I've wrestled with since entering this period of artistic dryness and apparent 'voicelessness.'

"You can't ever be disconnected from your voice -- even in real life," he reassured me. "When a boy's voice gets deeper, he's not disconnected from his voice; it's just changing. (The) writing voice is the same. It may feel disconnected but its just changing, like everything else. Everything and (every)one evolves and feels lost while evolving."

Here's to the growth journey -- personally, professionally, and artistically -- of embracing my evolution. From shy writer to empowered artist, are you in?