Fairy Tale, meet Reality

December 27, 2009
A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I gazed at the photo of his brother seated on those familiar grooved stairs while playing with their excited Jack Russell terrier. Again I wondered if I hadn't dreamed the five years of love and companionship -- an escape with wondrous and nightmarish aspects folded into one reality.

At its best moments, we were weightless -- freed of all human and earthly constraints. At its worst, it was hell on earth -- a life prison sentence served in solitary confinement. Death Row would have been my exit route, if my cell door had actually locked behind me.

And I realized today that the only way I was able to withstand the abuse and denigration was for the dream-like quality of life as I knew it in Italy. When I was over there, the beauty, warmth and charm blinded me to the grime that coated my future. Once I removed myself from the enchantment, the spell broke. The prince turned into the dragon and the princess was left to fend for herself. It was something I initially could do quite well, but each trip over there he tied my hands a little more. He looped just another layer of rope around my wrists -- not enough to register with me as he did it but enough to weaken me to accept captivity and exile to the ivory tower. There I would remain doll-like, unstained, lonely and aching to take my place in the world. There I would be preserved as his accessory to win praise and admiration for him until my time was up and I was replaced, which I surely would have been.

So you see, the nostalgia was only for the time of soaring dreams and the conviction that believing in something so surely, so deeply would actually bring it to pass. Perhaps it's for my childlike innocence, that moment in time seemingly undisturbed by life's messes, until it became mixed into them in its own good time. For a "slow-mo" moment, it was a daydream paradise, an Eden of sorts, only  mine was a built perception of near-perfection instead of actual flawlessness.

"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? / And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay" (Fergie)

Top lessons from 2009

(1) Making the right choice isn't usually the comfortable one immediately, but it does pave the way for long-term contentment.

(2) Whenever you think you're exhausted, there are always a few more drops in the energy well to drink and a few more steps you can squeeze out of yourself.

(3) Listen to family and friends. They know you and care for your ultimate happiness; and they have insights that you usually lack from being in the thick of situations.

(4) Wisdom is often the whisper you can't hear until you turn off the loudest voices in your ear.

(5) There is life after heartbreak -- and not just life, but abundant life! :)

(6) We can learn things we never would have been able to about ourselves by welcoming into our home a needy animal who's looking to love and be loved.

(7) Sleep is the most underestimated tactic for preventing and curing illness.

(8) It is in setting boundaries that we actually find freedom.

(9) Even after nine years of living on my own, there's still no place like home.

(10) Desiderata. 'Nuff said.

(11) Be willing to reconsider attitudes and values that have (consciously and unconsciously) shaped you to this point.

(12) It is so important to know and defend your worth in every moment it may be questioned. Do not stay silent.

(13) Life is short. Speak up. Fight for justice. Believe in your dreams. Chase them into reality. Pave a path for others to follow.

(14) Live as if everything could change next breath. It's much harder to take it all for granted.