Summer's last gasp*

August is a melancholic month, haunted by memories of poisoned love. Romantic beach vacations gone awry. Threats uttered as his fist broke the wall. Terror, humiliation, the death of a relationship that has become my all. The heartbreak of his departure.

Trapped in my fractured reality, I've come to dread the way the sunbeams slant across my wall. They are the bars of my emotional prison. No other time of year do they cut into my apartment so drastically as in August.

His presence hangs in the air like stale cigarette smoke. Everywhere I look there are reminders that it wasn't just a bad dream: his ticket stub from Rome to D.C.; the can of men's shaving cream in the bathroom; a forgotten sock in the corner; the coffee-can-lid-turned-ashtray choked with cigarette butts.

Echoes of his words taunt me daily, sadistic remnants of the past. How long will they be my roommates? How many more sun-triggered flashbacks of despair? How much longer will I walk zombie-like in limbo between the hell of being with him and the ache of being without him?

*Time warp: I'd thought about writing this before but I needed distance to capture the emotions. It was written present-day but it's set in 2008 or 2009.

Hugely disappointed

I consider myself an enthusiastic fan of Rihanna for her musical abilities and for the role she's embraced in speaking out about abuse in the wake of last year's assault. Additionally, she devoted a number of tracks from her latest album to the subject of relationship abuse. Having said that, I'm left speechless and confused by her latest musical collaboration with Eminem. The melody is catchy but the lyrics are horrific -- doubly so when she is the one singing them, given her real-life experience with this issue. Read the lyrics here.



Like the athlete who bemoans the behavioral expectations that come with celebrity, Rihanna may not want to accept that every project she'll work on in years to come will be assessed with the assault in mind. I am sympathetic to not wanting to be defined by an unpleasant situation; but it's part of the responsibility she accepted by leaving and speaking out. She needs to consider what kind of message this is sending to the very girls she hoped to lead out of unhealthy situations.

Update 8/9/10: Buzz has built over the video as analysts and experts have broken down the underlying messages and complicated dynamics of not only the songwriting but also the pairing of Eminem and Rihanna.

From Women's Media Center:

Rihanna explained her motivations for being in the video to Access Hollywood. ... Rihanna has certainly made an effort since she unwittingly became the spokesperson for domestic violence to use that platform to give a voice to abused young women ...

By contrast, Eminem has never claimed to champion the cause of unheard, abused women, and in fact has often been identified as a perpetrator of domestic violence. While staging a similar “comeback” tour to the one he is staging now in 2008, Eminem told Esquire, “I’m a T-shirt guy now. But wifebeaters won’t go out of style, not as long as bitches keep mouthing off.” Eminem’s problematic relationship with women is also apparent in his popular music video for the song “Stan,” which ends with Eminem’s alter ego putting his pregnant girlfriend in the trunk of his car and driving off a bridge.

Precedents such as these immediately problematize Eminem’s goal of shedding light on both sides of domestic violence, especially as only the male voice (Eminem’s verses) describes an inherent contradiction in his feelings, or a hint of  three-dimensionality ... The woman’s only voice (Rihanna’s lines) does nothing but profess to love the abusive relationship– she likes the way it hurts.

 From MTV:

"The most important thing the video is doing is raising the topic of dating violence among young people," Stephanie Nilva, executive director of sexual assault and trauma resource center Day One, told MTV News.

An expert in relationship violence and domestic abuse prevention, Nilva praised the clip for accurately depicting a pattern typical of abusive relationships. ...

 From Feministing:

... the song doesn’t clearly condemn violence against women or intimate partner violence. In some ways, it can be easily read as a song about relationship troubles that may not necessarily require an intervention because the woman never leaves. If the old adage is true that the first step in solving any problem is admitting that you have one, this song seems to fail at clearly identifying that what we are observing is dysfunctional violence. The fact that the track is included on an album titled “Recovery” doesn’t help in clarifying things. The situation is also worsened by the portrayal of a survivor who seems complicit in her abuse because she doesn’t just love the way her aggressor lies, she “likes the way it hurts.” For me, this line scream [sic] victim-blaming central and it calls upon the counterproductive accusations that survivors sometimes face.

 From Women's Rights:

I see a significant problem with Rihanna's lines about liking the pain because, while it seems to read as a woman in love trying to justify staying, it confuses some people about the distinction between S&M and domestic violence. Non-abusive S&M is a consensual act between two partners for mutual pleasure; a situation like the one in the song, where the violence comes out of anger and pushed the abused partner to try to leave, and where it escalates to potential murder, is not S&M, it's just domestic abuse. ...

After all, approximately 1000 women (or more) are killed each year by intimate partners. Maybe Eminem and Rihanna could have worked that stat into their duet?

From M.G.H.: What we see is a reflection of the lyrical ambivalence toward the issue of domestic abuse. Most people sounding off online are relieved that the song has extended the national dialogue on abusive relationships, but there are many (this writer included) that are uncomfortable with how passive and supportive the victim is to her situation and the disturbing message that ultimately is sent. As Alex DiBranco from Women's Rights writes:

I hope that most people's take-away message isn't along the lines of victim-blaming, misunderstanding consensual S&M, or minimizing violence. Women's lives depend on it.

Unexpected milestones

It's funny. The experience of healing from trauma happens first in transitions from minute to minute (when it's all you can do just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other), to hourly, daily, then week-long and monthly steps away from the pain. 

Somewhere along the way, the memories that used to smother you disperse and -- if you're like me -- you start to focus more on the possibilities of Life than on what you were fortunate enough to leave behind. But it's days like today that snap me out of complacency and pseudo-amnesia to note the pervasive problem that affects millions in the USA alone, not to mention every other country around the world.

Shattering the cliched belief that domestic violence is a 'personal' problem to which one should turn a blind eye or deaf ear, a story broke this morning about a 37-year-old man in Albuquerque who shot dead two people and injured four more (among them his girlfriend) before turning the gun on himself. This is not an issue that is contained by the four walls of a home. It spills out onto our streets and into our workplaces. It often leaves the victims homeless (usually mothers with children, jeopardizing her ability to provide for them and their chance at an education). The cycle repeats itself with the nasty subtext that many who witnessed the horror as a child become perpetrators themselves, spawning new generations of abusers and the subsequent ripple effect across society.

The second event was the widespread reporting of a recorded abusive rant that was allegedly Mel Gibson threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend. The audio speaks for itself, but there are a few points worth noting:

• an abuser usually feels like the victim ("you see what you make me do?") 
• an abuser feels entitled and under-appreciated ("I deserve ...")
• an inflated self-image is usually paired with an excess of insecurity
• the problem is always with the other person
• the abuser criticizes anybody in the victim's support network to isolate the victim; the abuser may base criticisms on the way family members or friends fall short in loving the victim, according to the abuser's perspective, or on perceived lack of morality, pedigree, etc.
• Sample argument recycled from conversation to conversation: "You don't have any friends. I am your only friend and you treat me like ____, which is why you deserve to be treated this way. And if you were smart you'd see that the way I'm treating/hurting you is for your own good."
• the abuser can swing between provocation and efforts to silence (taunting/bullying the victim and then snapping when he/she speaks out) 
• abusers are unable to manage their anger, yet seek to use it to control others

I was hesitant to listen to the clip, unsure of how I'd react to returning to the past. While my heart breaks for the women who are still caged by rage, I was reassured. I could hear the attacker's words and with a knowing nod -- instead of teary eyes or a racing heart -- note in myself a healthy level of detachment. While the rant took me back to the tumult of years past, it also accentuated the peace (and welcome silence) I have savored since leaving. May all those who feel trapped find a safe and healthy way out.

A particular playlist

... springing from a conversation with my sidekick-in-crime (not pictured :-]). She's doing awesome things in other women's lives and she reminded me how widespread an issue relationship abuse is. Here are my top picks for women weighing their options or trying to pick up the pieces of their hearts and lives after leaving: 

1. Remember That by Jessica Simpson
2. Stupid in Love by Rihanna
3. Spotlight by Jennifer Hudson
4. Cold Case Love by Rihanna
5. There's More to Me Than You by Jessica Andrews
6. Survivor by Destiny's Child 
7. Fighter by Christina Aguilera
8. I Get Out by Lauryn Hill

Peace and love --m.g.h.

Fighting wrong with right

Special spotlight on Ne-Yo's efforts to fight relationship abuse by presenting a healthy model in his new song called "Heroes," which you can download for free at Macys.com/Ne-Yo. For each download, the clothing line Alfani will contribute $1 (up to $50,000) to support the RESPECT! Campaign.

See him perform it on Letterman (and remember the song sounds better in download version, so get a version at Macy's website, spread the word and pat yourself on the back for boosting a good cause!)

Processing pain

I've never identified with Eeyore. While I feel for him and always hope I'll get to see him having a good day, his negativity grates on me.

My parents raised my sisters and me with an appreciation for empowering oneself and rising above any difficult situation (both of them are political refugees and lost everything only to adapt and rebuild in three countries).

Which is why I hope that those of you who know me can appreciate the distinction between my self and my blog. Scanning the list of titles to prompt my memory of posts, I realize there's a lot on here that's sad, bordering on angry, and working from being victimized to becoming a survivor. I've used this space as a way of reclaiming my voice through the haze of disorientation and pain in the wake of major life changes. I've also dedicated a lot of real estate to domestic violence for healing purposes but also in hopes of raising awareness on an issue that is often kept safely in the shadows with justifications like "It's personal," or "It's just between them." The truth is it's a public issue and it's between all of us because on many levels our society permits it (and will continue to do so until more dialogue and ownership takes place). [dismounting soapbox]

It can be uncomfortable to face the rawness in these situations and disconcerting to see someone's heart laid bare (unless you're an artist who strives to do that as well), but I hope that you'll continue to take this journey with me. If you know me, I hope that you'll also set these soulful struggles within the greater picture of who you know me to be. If you don't know me, well, I hope that my writings resonate and move you on some level. If they give you greater clarity on some situation in your life, I would consider my time on earth a success.

I will continue to write through the process of healing, and embracing the transformative effect of pain. Looking back at legendary artists' lives, I can't help but notice that few, if any, led easy, happy lives. But they found solace in their pain with the opportunity to channel that into self-expression and into leaving some kind of legacy (although most died before earning the public's appreciation).  Studying their lives has motivated me not to run from the painful moments but to surrender to them instead.

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable."  (--Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

Fairy Tale, meet Reality

December 27, 2009
A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I gazed at the photo of his brother seated on those familiar grooved stairs while playing with their excited Jack Russell terrier. Again I wondered if I hadn't dreamed the five years of love and companionship -- an escape with wondrous and nightmarish aspects folded into one reality.

At its best moments, we were weightless -- freed of all human and earthly constraints. At its worst, it was hell on earth -- a life prison sentence served in solitary confinement. Death Row would have been my exit route, if my cell door had actually locked behind me.

And I realized today that the only way I was able to withstand the abuse and denigration was for the dream-like quality of life as I knew it in Italy. When I was over there, the beauty, warmth and charm blinded me to the grime that coated my future. Once I removed myself from the enchantment, the spell broke. The prince turned into the dragon and the princess was left to fend for herself. It was something I initially could do quite well, but each trip over there he tied my hands a little more. He looped just another layer of rope around my wrists -- not enough to register with me as he did it but enough to weaken me to accept captivity and exile to the ivory tower. There I would remain doll-like, unstained, lonely and aching to take my place in the world. There I would be preserved as his accessory to win praise and admiration for him until my time was up and I was replaced, which I surely would have been.

So you see, the nostalgia was only for the time of soaring dreams and the conviction that believing in something so surely, so deeply would actually bring it to pass. Perhaps it's for my childlike innocence, that moment in time seemingly undisturbed by life's messes, until it became mixed into them in its own good time. For a "slow-mo" moment, it was a daydream paradise, an Eden of sorts, only  mine was a built perception of near-perfection instead of actual flawlessness.

"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? / And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay" (Fergie)

Transformation

December 16, 2009

I reread the emails from him today. The tendencies to control and manipulate are so pervasive in his psychology that he can't utter a sentence in his defense without putting down somebody else.

To you, ghost from the past, here's how I'm different since the last letter:

*I am aware of the abusive designs of your conversation.

*I've seen that life can be so much more peaceful, stable, maneuverable and rewarding without your policeman-like presence.

*I feel hopeful about the future.

*Love will be a part of my life.

*I've picked up the pieces of my shattered self and handed them over to God, who's whipping up a new mosaic and guiding me to become that.

*I'm much stronger than before and not afraid to set boundaries. You step over the line? You get buzzed. I set that boundary, enforce it and walk away. If you're discouraged by that, you're not the type I want beside me.

*I'm closer with my friends.

*I'm grateful for the freedoms and possibilities of the USA.

*I cringe at jealousy and flinch at disrespect. My advice to women dealing with that is "FLEE! It's hard to think about but you will be better for it. You will have a chance at Life finally. Your mind was meant to be used freely. You will discover fear does not have to be a part of each day. You were designed to live in community. Say goodbye to suppression, intimidation, and isolation. Break free!"

Missed opportunity or understated success?

In this day and age, there's now such a thing as "digital dating abuse." The Family Violence Prevention Fund set up thatsnotcool.com to educate teens about unhealthy texting patterns, violating your partner's email account or social networking page, and/or pressuring said partner to "sext" or take nude pictures.  Here's the pitch:

Your mobile, IM and online accounts are all a part of you. When someone you're dating is controlling, disrespecting or pressuring you in those spaces, that's not cool.

I think it's a great idea and a laudable cause, but I wonder how many teens will get drawn in by sock puppets. That kind of mascot worked brilliantly for Fandango, but those are movie tickets and this is abuse. Maybe I'm wrong and the lighthearted nature will ultimately hook more teens and increase the viral component. But I think FVPF and the Ad Council missed the full potential of the campaign by packaging it in gauze, and risk alienating themselves from the demographic by trying too hard to be cool or treating them like kids.

Rihanna speaks out

When this story broke in February, I was at work fighting for professional composure to hide the emotional rawness that creeped to the surface as I learned more details. Rihanna's trauma gave me flashbacks of my own, being only seven fragile months (what seemed like seven minutes) into trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered self. I had already tried to walk away at least six times by that point, with one final (successful) attempt awaiting me 7 months in the future.  But the only thing I felt that day in February was transported back to the fear and panic of August 2008 -- surviving the verbal abuse, humiliation, intimidation and rage that left a hole in my wall and in my soul.

I never fixed the wall. I made a choice to leave it as a reminder of what I escaped from, what would have been waiting for me in the future. The hardest thing about emotional abuse is that it's experienced in your mind. You don't look in the mirror and see a black eye. There's no police report detailing the ways he's hurt you. As soon as the attack passes, you're weaker but you deny it, you spin it, or you believe his insults. The punctured wall proved my fairy tale had become a nightmare. It was a matter of time before he aimed for my head.

Having said that, I made the same mistake that Rihanna talks about. The wall should have been my wake-up call, and it was for a good 9 months. But I let the lingering feelings of love and his pleas and promises woo me back to lethal ground. It took a death threat for me to come to my senses.

**My favorite quotes from this interview:

"I'll say this to any young girl going through domestic violence: Don't react off of love. F' love. Come out of the situation and look at it third-person and for what it really is and then make your decision. Because love is so blind. It's so blind. "

"I am strong. This happened to me. I didn't cause this. I didn't do it. It happened to me and it can happen to anybody; and I'm glad it happened to me because now I can help young girls as they go through it."

A spoonful of statistics

Part of my healing process and transition into advocacy has been learning more about abuse, abusive patterns, abuser profiles, and the frequency/results of abuse as captured in statistics.

Most studies or synthesized numbers are from the '90s, which is frustrating, but still offer a glimpse into the wide impact of the destruction.

Here are a few that jumped out at me from a summary (PDF) posted on Stanford's Sexual Assault & Relationship Abuse Support & Prevention website: (emphasis mine)

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the USA -- more than rapes, muggings and car accidents combined (Surgeon General, United States, 1992)
• A woman is beaten every 9 seconds in the USA (Family Violence Prevention Fund Report, 1994)
• According to the Center for Disease Control, a woman is in nine times more danger of violent attack in her home than on the streets.
• In 1993, 3.9 million American women who were living with their spouse or partner were physically abused, while 20.7 million American women in the same living situation suffered emotional or verbal abuse (The Commonwealth Fund, 1993).
• Over 50% of the women killed in the USA are killed by male intimate partners or ex-partners (Journal of the American Medical Association, 1992)
• Approximately 50% of the homeless women and children in the USA are on the streets because of violence in the home (Joseph Biden, U.S. Senate Committee on the Judiciary, Violence Against Women: Victims of the System, 1991)

Reading the warning signs of an abusive relationship broke my denial. It was the first time I reconsidered my loved ones' doubts as something worth considering, and not an attack on the man that I loved. It started the long process of breaking away, even though I went back and forth for months on whether those warning signs might apply to my situation (I felt that since we were intercultural, the signs might not be the same for us, and I explained away a lot of the red flags)

The next month, Redbook happened to highlight emotional abuse ("Invisible Violence") in their October 2008 issue. A loved one recommended I read the article, which hit me profoundly again with the similarities between my situation and other women's relationships. I kept it beside my bed and read it for strength each time I tried to call things off with my ex, only to be talked into staying and convinced that I couldn't trust my perceptions (or loved ones).

I found the Power and Control Wheel online in the final days of our relationship and was stunned by how accurately it portrayed -- in all but two of the segments -- my experience. Shocked that a stranger who knew nothing about either my partner or myself could grasp everything that I had known for the last few years, I relinquished my rationalizations. Surrendering to the truth was the next step.

Breaking Free

Written September 29, 2009:

Jealousy was the guard dog that kept me in your cage.
You said it was there for my protection;
I knew better.

Fear was my prison diet -- flavorless but substantive;
enough to sustain me but not to give me the strength to escape.

Fits of rage were the prison wardens you sent to discipline me --
if I stepped too close to the bars or gazed too long out the window.

Guilt trips you used to clip the wings of my free spirit.
It's hard to fly when you're looking down all the time.

Isolation was my cellmate.
How else could I have believed that nobody could be trusted?
that nobody cared enough to come for me?

Lies were the shackles that kept me chained to your blame.
In my distorted sense of reality, I welcomed the chance for 'penance.' Only later I realized I shouldn't have carried the load in the first place.

But your penal system imploded from within.
The prison break was on your watch, beneath your nose.
Carried by family and friends, the truth set me free.

Being a voice for the voiceless

A primary reason I pursued journalism was to be a voice for the voiceless, to be an instrument of representing those viewpoints that are not held by officials or agencies but are the reflection of daily life that gets swept under the rug. A hope, too, was that in holding up the mirror to society that glimpsing our reflection would spur needed changes and shed injustice layer by layer.

One of those areas that I feel is routinely undervalued but unfortunately widely experienced is domestic violence. Having just finished a fantastic read -- A Thousand Splendid Suns, which I highly recommend to everyone, I was left with this thought:

Tragedy is when a child's heart must be broken so his mother's body isn't. Tragedy is the malice and neglect that break and defeat too many women across the globe.

More on this in future posts.