12 months

A year ago today I received the "last word" from my ex-boyfriend via an email. The past twelve months have brought freedom, struggles, independence, sadness, but above all, a renewed sense of self. Today I celebrate my growth, the distance I've traveled and the way Life marches on.

My "last word"? Silence.

A particular playlist

... springing from a conversation with my sidekick-in-crime (not pictured :-]). She's doing awesome things in other women's lives and she reminded me how widespread an issue relationship abuse is. Here are my top picks for women weighing their options or trying to pick up the pieces of their hearts and lives after leaving: 

1. Remember That by Jessica Simpson
2. Stupid in Love by Rihanna
3. Spotlight by Jennifer Hudson
4. Cold Case Love by Rihanna
5. There's More to Me Than You by Jessica Andrews
6. Survivor by Destiny's Child 
7. Fighter by Christina Aguilera
8. I Get Out by Lauryn Hill

Peace and love --m.g.h.

A soul's plea

Anybody who's been in a controlling relationship or has been victimized by injustice or discrimination knows that freedom is built into our souls; that the form of any oppression upon us, the manipulation of heart, mind and/or liberty, is a grave offense and that that violation resonates to our very core.

--February 4, 2009

Transformation

December 16, 2009

I reread the emails from him today. The tendencies to control and manipulate are so pervasive in his psychology that he can't utter a sentence in his defense without putting down somebody else.

To you, ghost from the past, here's how I'm different since the last letter:

*I am aware of the abusive designs of your conversation.

*I've seen that life can be so much more peaceful, stable, maneuverable and rewarding without your policeman-like presence.

*I feel hopeful about the future.

*Love will be a part of my life.

*I've picked up the pieces of my shattered self and handed them over to God, who's whipping up a new mosaic and guiding me to become that.

*I'm much stronger than before and not afraid to set boundaries. You step over the line? You get buzzed. I set that boundary, enforce it and walk away. If you're discouraged by that, you're not the type I want beside me.

*I'm closer with my friends.

*I'm grateful for the freedoms and possibilities of the USA.

*I cringe at jealousy and flinch at disrespect. My advice to women dealing with that is "FLEE! It's hard to think about but you will be better for it. You will have a chance at Life finally. Your mind was meant to be used freely. You will discover fear does not have to be a part of each day. You were designed to live in community. Say goodbye to suppression, intimidation, and isolation. Break free!"

Gratitude

December 30, 2009

I fell asleep last night counting my blessings instead of sheep. I'm reminded of just how blessed I am each day for various reasons.

Yesterday I felt acutely aware of the blessings of freedom I take for granted every day, and sympathetic to the struggles of people around the world who have taken a courageous stand against tyrants.

As the icy rain tapped against my windowpane, I also was aware of all those who were fighting for a bed in a shelter or facing a bitterly cold night on the sidewalk.

My stomach was grumbling as I closed my eyes, which reminded me of all those around the world who hadn't eaten in days (and may never know what a full stomach feels like).

So I started a list of the many reasons I am so grateful.

• Shelter above my head that I can call home
• Three meals a day (or more if desired)
  
• Heater
• Warm clothes (that even have style) as opposed to whatever's available in the donation bin (or none)
  
• Shoes
  
• Freedom of speech 
• Freedom of the press
• Freedom to worship as I believe (and the gift of faith)
• Gender equality (more or less) in comparison to the situations many other women face. American women largely face economic inequality and violence on the streets and in their homes (still unacceptable), while other women face a whole host of evils solely based on gender: stonings, acid attacks, burnings, genital mutilation and honor killings, or they're killed in the womb simply because they don't have the right "parts" and are deemed worthless or a burden.
•  A job
• A loving, healthy family
• All five senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing - a pretty awesome combo!)
• A body that moves and becomes the vehicle to enjoy my passions (dancing, writing, music, cooking, being outdoors)
• An education
• The gift of literacy
• Travel experience
• A loving kitty (shout-out to her foster parents!)
• A set of wheels
• The opportunity to create a life for myself
• The resilience of the human spirit
• The gift of HOPE

Top lessons from 2009

(1) Making the right choice isn't usually the comfortable one immediately, but it does pave the way for long-term contentment.

(2) Whenever you think you're exhausted, there are always a few more drops in the energy well to drink and a few more steps you can squeeze out of yourself.

(3) Listen to family and friends. They know you and care for your ultimate happiness; and they have insights that you usually lack from being in the thick of situations.

(4) Wisdom is often the whisper you can't hear until you turn off the loudest voices in your ear.

(5) There is life after heartbreak -- and not just life, but abundant life! :)

(6) We can learn things we never would have been able to about ourselves by welcoming into our home a needy animal who's looking to love and be loved.

(7) Sleep is the most underestimated tactic for preventing and curing illness.

(8) It is in setting boundaries that we actually find freedom.

(9) Even after nine years of living on my own, there's still no place like home.

(10) Desiderata. 'Nuff said.

(11) Be willing to reconsider attitudes and values that have (consciously and unconsciously) shaped you to this point.

(12) It is so important to know and defend your worth in every moment it may be questioned. Do not stay silent.

(13) Life is short. Speak up. Fight for justice. Believe in your dreams. Chase them into reality. Pave a path for others to follow.

(14) Live as if everything could change next breath. It's much harder to take it all for granted.

Real estate for a favorite

I know I could just link to it, but I'd like it to have its own space.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
til the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearfull trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

--Maya Angelou, who was inspired by this poem.

Breaking Free

Written September 29, 2009:

Jealousy was the guard dog that kept me in your cage.
You said it was there for my protection;
I knew better.

Fear was my prison diet -- flavorless but substantive;
enough to sustain me but not to give me the strength to escape.

Fits of rage were the prison wardens you sent to discipline me --
if I stepped too close to the bars or gazed too long out the window.

Guilt trips you used to clip the wings of my free spirit.
It's hard to fly when you're looking down all the time.

Isolation was my cellmate.
How else could I have believed that nobody could be trusted?
that nobody cared enough to come for me?

Lies were the shackles that kept me chained to your blame.
In my distorted sense of reality, I welcomed the chance for 'penance.' Only later I realized I shouldn't have carried the load in the first place.

But your penal system imploded from within.
The prison break was on your watch, beneath your nose.
Carried by family and friends, the truth set me free.