Blowing the dust off the blog ...

During my blogging hiatus, I put reading on pause, too. Between giving up writing and reading, well, you can imagine I felt like a stranger in my own body. But sometimes, you get so busy living, thinking and observing that you have to step away from what gives you security in Life and just follow your Self's lead.

The tidal flow of expression in my life is something I long ago had to accept. There are times when my thoughts crash upon the shore with a steadiness and reliability in the rhythm that it's hard to imagine that ever changing; but then, just like that, the waters calm and I know I'm in the resting phase when it's time to go out and seek inspiration in the world around me before my next creative phase comes.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Here's to the past and future.

12 months

A year ago today I received the "last word" from my ex-boyfriend via an email. The past twelve months have brought freedom, struggles, independence, sadness, but above all, a renewed sense of self. Today I celebrate my growth, the distance I've traveled and the way Life marches on.

My "last word"? Silence.

Bite-sized inspiration

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Dr. Leo Buscaglia
(1924-1998); Professor, Author

Jar of Hearts

A shout-out and thank you to Miss K-Ro for introducing me to this haunting ballad. I love the rawness in Christina Perri's voice.



This song's awesome backstory: A L.A. waitress/singer-songwriter whose luck was changed by a reality TV show she wasn't a part of. Her success occurred before she ever stepped in front of the camera.

Possibilities

I love this ad for its storytelling and the message of remaining open to Life's possibilities. (Like all ads featured on this blog, I am not endorsing the product nor do I have any connection to the company.) 



In a nod to Jung's synchronicity theory, Michael Buble released this song shortly before AT&T aired the ad. For a while, I pointed discouraged friends to it for a dose of optimism and hope. Then I found out that he cast his girlfriend as the main lead, which makes the song ring hollow. Not well-played, Buble. All the same, voila:

Attack Aftermath

I put on our class' t-shirt tonight (the one from high school with both our names on it) not knowing what his fate is -- a clammy, shaky, sinking feeling. At once numb and achy. Totally nauseous.

That death or severe injury is even a possibility for him right now has drained me of every drop of energy that overflowed my cup this morning. The spring in my step has uncoiled with the anxious dread of not knowing.

The silence.

The waiting.

Time does funny things to a person waiting for this type of news. It stretches itself to seem interminable but promises none of the speed that brought one to this stalemate.

I know what you must be thinking: "He's in a war zone; what did you expect?" But it's funny how that works, too, because while you try and prepare for these types of scares as you send them off with a hug, a mental dress rehearsal can't compare with the real thing. It's totally different when the whispered imaginings of "If ..." are replaced with nightmarish details of actual events. Bloodstain outside the T.G.I. Friday's on the boardwalk where many soldiers socialize. Details distilled in the military's slowness to release information and paired with a personal tendency to let my mind wander the "what-if" trail amount to a dance with insanity.

Try sleeping when you don't know whether your friend is in pain, conscious, dead or alive; whether he's alone in a military hospital or just reliving the horror in his bunk as his body and mind wrestle about the need for sleep.

I apologized to him - mentally - as I ate today; that my body seemingly kept ticking forward when for him the world had been interrupted so violently. The fact that my appetite was still there felt like a betrayal from my own body. I was full of dread, worry, fleeting bouts of hatred toward the Taliban, then the subsequent repentant prayers to God. Weren't all these enough to keep my body going?

In the fluctuation between panic and numbness, I got to thinking about war. Nothing in my mind was linear and these thoughts aren't either, so I won't try to string them together in a forced structure. I pondered:

• the wasted potential, the promise of brilliance bled out on battlefields where the gifted individual is hidden behind generic labels like "troop," "soldier," etc. 
• the unquantifiable senselessness of it all; the ugliest layers of Life and humanity exposed; the messes we get ourselves into for unchecked passions, lack of wisdom, and an abundance of pride. 
• the hatred I feel for the terrorists restrained only by my desire not to resemble them in any way; not to become like them by the same fatal flaw; instead, to tap into the potential nobility of a human soul and recognize the power to choose what we allow ourselves to become. 
• frustration for the moments when people reassure me there were "only injuries" reported. I know they're trying to comfort, but it sounds callused and naive to say that. "Only injured" could be a life-altering brain injury, limb or sensory loss. And, without any further information from the military, we have no way of gauging how many are "only" critically wounded, which could translate into the worst-case scenario. 

When we fight wars, we invite Satan -- in all his ugliness and horror -- to reveal his face on Earth in utter clarity. The depths to which humanity and angels alike can fall; the brutality and viciousness unleashed against each other, destroying the very fabric of our existences; reminding us -- as they are lifted from our hands -- what the most precious things in life actually are: family, friendship, love, health and faith.

"And remember, the truth that once was spoken: To love another person is to see the face of God" is a favorite line of mine from the musical "Les Miserables." It reminds me, now, why it is so crucial not to hate and allow evil another stronghold on Earth; but instead, to sacrifice our aching hearts, shattered dreams, and wounded pride on the altar of service to God and fight brutality with beauty, fear with faith.

That being said, abstract principles are little comfort to me as the silence consumes me tonight. All philosophical thought seems absurd when the concrete dangles before me.

Overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and exhaustion, I climb into bed.

***

Update 5/25: I heard from my friend this morning and he is safe.

Gratitude

December 30, 2009

I fell asleep last night counting my blessings instead of sheep. I'm reminded of just how blessed I am each day for various reasons.

Yesterday I felt acutely aware of the blessings of freedom I take for granted every day, and sympathetic to the struggles of people around the world who have taken a courageous stand against tyrants.

As the icy rain tapped against my windowpane, I also was aware of all those who were fighting for a bed in a shelter or facing a bitterly cold night on the sidewalk.

My stomach was grumbling as I closed my eyes, which reminded me of all those around the world who hadn't eaten in days (and may never know what a full stomach feels like).

So I started a list of the many reasons I am so grateful.

• Shelter above my head that I can call home
• Three meals a day (or more if desired)
  
• Heater
• Warm clothes (that even have style) as opposed to whatever's available in the donation bin (or none)
  
• Shoes
  
• Freedom of speech 
• Freedom of the press
• Freedom to worship as I believe (and the gift of faith)
• Gender equality (more or less) in comparison to the situations many other women face. American women largely face economic inequality and violence on the streets and in their homes (still unacceptable), while other women face a whole host of evils solely based on gender: stonings, acid attacks, burnings, genital mutilation and honor killings, or they're killed in the womb simply because they don't have the right "parts" and are deemed worthless or a burden.
•  A job
• A loving, healthy family
• All five senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing - a pretty awesome combo!)
• A body that moves and becomes the vehicle to enjoy my passions (dancing, writing, music, cooking, being outdoors)
• An education
• The gift of literacy
• Travel experience
• A loving kitty (shout-out to her foster parents!)
• A set of wheels
• The opportunity to create a life for myself
• The resilience of the human spirit
• The gift of HOPE

Top lessons from 2009

(1) Making the right choice isn't usually the comfortable one immediately, but it does pave the way for long-term contentment.

(2) Whenever you think you're exhausted, there are always a few more drops in the energy well to drink and a few more steps you can squeeze out of yourself.

(3) Listen to family and friends. They know you and care for your ultimate happiness; and they have insights that you usually lack from being in the thick of situations.

(4) Wisdom is often the whisper you can't hear until you turn off the loudest voices in your ear.

(5) There is life after heartbreak -- and not just life, but abundant life! :)

(6) We can learn things we never would have been able to about ourselves by welcoming into our home a needy animal who's looking to love and be loved.

(7) Sleep is the most underestimated tactic for preventing and curing illness.

(8) It is in setting boundaries that we actually find freedom.

(9) Even after nine years of living on my own, there's still no place like home.

(10) Desiderata. 'Nuff said.

(11) Be willing to reconsider attitudes and values that have (consciously and unconsciously) shaped you to this point.

(12) It is so important to know and defend your worth in every moment it may be questioned. Do not stay silent.

(13) Life is short. Speak up. Fight for justice. Believe in your dreams. Chase them into reality. Pave a path for others to follow.

(14) Live as if everything could change next breath. It's much harder to take it all for granted.

It's been awhile...

I fell off the blog bandwagon and am caught by surprise when I see the date of my last post. What have I been up to? Searching for new streams of inspiration, infiltrating life as it plays out on the street, and drafting my dreams. I'm suffering from blog-backlog syndrome: having thought of -- but not yet written -- several ideas and not knowing where to begin; sifting through unfinished threads of thought; breaking past the filter I've let hamper the creative process.

I think it's an inevitable part of artistic growth to ride the ebbs and flows of creativity. You take in your surroundings, you let those impressions marinate, and then you produce something new using that experience and insight. I've been challenged a lot in recent weeks for reasons explored and not explored in this space. What I know is this: I see with newly critical eyes assumptions that have carried me into adulthood, that were formed in the unspoken moments in childhood and ultimately shape one's worldview. It's an exciting and vulnerable adventure to dig up and deconstruct or keep these beliefs. I've learned how much we are environmental sponges, and yet, also, how we have the freedom to reinvent ourselves with self-awareness and discipline. My way is this right now: Discern the unspoken attitudes harbored in the heart, analyze where those might come from, decide if they are worth keeping, and then act on that judgment.

Be bold and honest, and the rewards of a more intentional life will push you to new heights.

Bite-sized inspiration

"The ship of my life may or may not be sailing on calm and amiable seas. The challenging days of my existence may or may not be bright and promising. Stormy or sunny days, glorious or lonely nights, I maintain an attitude of gratitude. If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed."

--Maya Angelou

***

Life is short and we do not have too much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel the way with us; so be swift to love, and make haste to be kind, and the blessing of God: whose creativity crafted you, whose love leads and saves you, and whose holy breath sustains you, be ever with you, and all the world, this day and evermore. Amen.

(Author unknown; from my friend's memorial service)

Bite-sized inspiration

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.

--mary anne radmacher

Bite-sized inspiration

You have made us for yourself, Lord, and
our hearts are restless until they rest in you.

--St. Augustine of Hippo

Living masterpieces

February 28, 2008

Simply existing does not mean that we become the person God intended when He created us. We are the coal that needs to be re-formed into the diamond. Only by inviting Him into our lives and efforts and not shielding ourselves from the pain that distills our essence further can that happen.

If marble had nerve centers, Michelangelo's sculptures would be screaming as he worked. Yet at the end of the process, they would step back and admire their form with awe, thanking him for releasing them from that which obscured their identity.

The same is true for us. We start out as a block of marble -- undefined to the untrained eye, yet God sees what is behind, beneath, within it all. He uses our frustrations, passions, pains and joys to chisel away the parts that obstruct our true selves. The more we invite Him into our lives, the more accurately we reflect His vision of who we are; so that, ultimately, we, too, will step back and thank Him -- despite the painful moments of definition -- for revealing our true selves and bringing us to life.

My Creed

Slow down. Listen more. Serve others. Be generous. Seek wisdom. Discern God's plan. Love more. Rest with God. Love yourself as He loves you. Ask to see yourself through His eyes, with total knowledge of your weaknesses and flaws but with passion, tenderness, and affirmation of your strengths.

September 20, 2009

Bite-sized inspiration

You will find as you look back upon your life that
the moments when you have truly lived
are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.

--Mother Teresa

Bienvenu Theo

For the Francophiles out there, this was written to welcome my French host sister's first child who was born while I was studying in Rennes, France and living with the family.

Le ciel est gris

On ne pouvait pas deviner

qu'un rayon de soleil viendrait aujourd'hui

Apres une longue journee

Tu commences la deuxieme phase de la vie

Cette journee, t'as choisi de venir

pour commencer ton chemin

que nous prions a Dieu sera long et plein de joie

T'es reste' neuf longs mois

dans le ventre de ta Maman affectueuse

Ta maman ne t'a pas encore vu

mais elle se repose

apres votre journee fatigante

Aujourd'hui tu as traverse l'autre cote

Nous te voyons te nicher dans les ailes de Papa

qui a commence de te proteger de tout ce qui est mal

et te diriger tendrement tes annees de grandissement

Pendant que tu es dans ses bras,

On peut voir facilement ton esprit

non faconne, et innocent

Une creation parfaite

qui est venue de Dieu

On remarque la paix et la confiance

auxquelles tu commence ta vie

Tu es la fleur du printemps

qui apporte un parfum celeste et doux

aux deux familles qui t'accueillent en unite

Tu ne connais pas encore les gens

qui ont parle de toi souvent

pendant les derniers neuf mois

mais nous te regardons maintenant

avec les yeux grand-ouverts

en essayant d'apprendre par coeur

toutes tes caracteristiques

Ta magnifique beaute

evoque les larmes d'etonnement

pendant que je m'emerveille

de la beaute, le mystere et la miracle

les mots ne pouvent pas exprimer

tous les sentiments de la vie

que me saisissent maintenant.

Bienvenu Theo

Nous t'aimons

-March 3, 2001