Sitting with the questions

Brooke, I woke up with an empty hollow today, filled only by the questions of why you did it. I swing between anger and compassion for you, between frustration and bewilderment.

I can't imagine the exhaustion and isolation you faced as you lived each day not knowing when your high would swing to the lowest of  lows, and vice versa. Your illness had already cost you a relationship with someone with whom you shared 7 years of your life, and I imagine peering into the future was daunting for you. If getting through each day was work, the possibility of a stable, lifelong relationship perhaps seemed out of reach. I imagine that felt like insult added to injury.

The fact that this illness exists breaks my heart. It seems like a cross too big to bear. I know it can't be because I take God at his word that He doesn't send us anything that we can't conquer while relying on Him. But I still am saddened by the heavy toll it takes and the complete disruption of life that occurs. I look at every illness or hurtful event as instruments in our distilling process, yet what strikes me about bipolar disorder and extreme depression is how high the stakes are set and how many we hear of losing the battle. It makes me yearn to find those who are living with the disease under control, versus living under control of the disease.

Why did you do it? I know you must have been in a terrible spot to consider it and carry it out, but I think of going forward from this point and each moment of beauty that you'll miss; each milestone with a friend or on your own journey that won't be crossed; each memory your parents and friends won't get with you now. It breaks my heart. I struggle to better understand and to keep your humanity in focus so as not to judge you or lose sight of the person I appreciated, but what a tragic end to a life filled with promise.

I'm left to swallow the words I intended to share with you; to burn down the fences of pride that kept me from reaching out to you; to wonder forever how the heck it got to this point and if there was anything I might have been able to do to make your short life happier, and perhaps a bit longer.