"The most important job ... ever"

A recent discovery on the radio prompted me to pause and reflect on the importance of fatherhood (you'll find the song below).

I can't help but nod in agreement with the way Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, points to an aspect of his life that influenced all other components. "I won the parent lottery," he writes. "I was born with the winning ticket, a major reason I was able to live out my childhood dreams."

I've been blessed with an amazing father who has reassured us of his love for my mom and us, supported every dream my sisters and I have had, encouraged us to push ourselves to reach our potential, instilled within us a love of reading, the arts and travel, and challenged us to spend our lives in the pursuit of justice and in service to others.

But how many in our nation can't say that? Last month, President Obama reflected on the state of fatherhood in the Union. If you haven't heard his speech yet, I'd encourage you to check it out by watching it below or reading it here.



Key points the President makes:

• Fathers are our first teachers and coaches ... they’re our mentors, our role models.
• We also know that what too many fathers being absent means. ... We know that when fathers abandon their responsibilities, there’s harm done to those kids.
• It’s hard to live up to the lifelong responsibilities that come with fatherhood.
• Our children don’t need us to be superheroes.  They don’t need us to be perfect.  They do need us to be present.  They need us to show up and give it our best shot, no matter what else is going on in our lives.  They need us to show them -- not just with words, but with deeds -- that they, those kids, are always our first priority.
• No matter what doubts we may feel, what difficulties we may face, we all have to remember being a father -- it’s not just an obligation and a responsibility; it is a privilege and a blessing, one that we all have to embrace as individuals and as a nation.

The theme of supporting and holding fathers accountable in their efforts to be better dads is addressed in Sanctus Real's song "Lead Me". The lyrics capture the essence of marriage and fatherhood within the context of Christianity but the songwriter's struggle extends beyond any faith.

Balancing relationships and ambition is a central challenge to many in the USA (not just fathers) and is, in my opinion, at the heart of the American family unit dissolving. The song is a powerful testament, however, to that sense of responsibility and love that unites family, the importance of communicating through the difficulties, and the supernatural help that is within our reach, should we look for it.



I'll close with an excerpt from President Obama's speech:

"Those family meals, afternoons in the park, bedtime stories; the encouragement we give, the questions we answer, the limits we set, the example we set of persistence in the face of difficulty and hardship -- those things add up over time, and they shape a child’s character, build their core, teach them to trust in life and to enter into it with confidence and with hope and with determination. And that’s something they’ll always carry with them: that love that we show not with money, or fame, or spectacular feats, but through small daily acts -- the love we show and that we earn by being present in the lives of our children."

Unexpected milestones

It's funny. The experience of healing from trauma happens first in transitions from minute to minute (when it's all you can do just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other), to hourly, daily, then week-long and monthly steps away from the pain. 

Somewhere along the way, the memories that used to smother you disperse and -- if you're like me -- you start to focus more on the possibilities of Life than on what you were fortunate enough to leave behind. But it's days like today that snap me out of complacency and pseudo-amnesia to note the pervasive problem that affects millions in the USA alone, not to mention every other country around the world.

Shattering the cliched belief that domestic violence is a 'personal' problem to which one should turn a blind eye or deaf ear, a story broke this morning about a 37-year-old man in Albuquerque who shot dead two people and injured four more (among them his girlfriend) before turning the gun on himself. This is not an issue that is contained by the four walls of a home. It spills out onto our streets and into our workplaces. It often leaves the victims homeless (usually mothers with children, jeopardizing her ability to provide for them and their chance at an education). The cycle repeats itself with the nasty subtext that many who witnessed the horror as a child become perpetrators themselves, spawning new generations of abusers and the subsequent ripple effect across society.

The second event was the widespread reporting of a recorded abusive rant that was allegedly Mel Gibson threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend. The audio speaks for itself, but there are a few points worth noting:

• an abuser usually feels like the victim ("you see what you make me do?") 
• an abuser feels entitled and under-appreciated ("I deserve ...")
• an inflated self-image is usually paired with an excess of insecurity
• the problem is always with the other person
• the abuser criticizes anybody in the victim's support network to isolate the victim; the abuser may base criticisms on the way family members or friends fall short in loving the victim, according to the abuser's perspective, or on perceived lack of morality, pedigree, etc.
• Sample argument recycled from conversation to conversation: "You don't have any friends. I am your only friend and you treat me like ____, which is why you deserve to be treated this way. And if you were smart you'd see that the way I'm treating/hurting you is for your own good."
• the abuser can swing between provocation and efforts to silence (taunting/bullying the victim and then snapping when he/she speaks out) 
• abusers are unable to manage their anger, yet seek to use it to control others

I was hesitant to listen to the clip, unsure of how I'd react to returning to the past. While my heart breaks for the women who are still caged by rage, I was reassured. I could hear the attacker's words and with a knowing nod -- instead of teary eyes or a racing heart -- note in myself a healthy level of detachment. While the rant took me back to the tumult of years past, it also accentuated the peace (and welcome silence) I have savored since leaving. May all those who feel trapped find a safe and healthy way out.

Bite-sized inspiration

"Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." --Henry Van Dyke

A particular playlist

... springing from a conversation with my sidekick-in-crime (not pictured :-]). She's doing awesome things in other women's lives and she reminded me how widespread an issue relationship abuse is. Here are my top picks for women weighing their options or trying to pick up the pieces of their hearts and lives after leaving: 

1. Remember That by Jessica Simpson
2. Stupid in Love by Rihanna
3. Spotlight by Jennifer Hudson
4. Cold Case Love by Rihanna
5. There's More to Me Than You by Jessica Andrews
6. Survivor by Destiny's Child 
7. Fighter by Christina Aguilera
8. I Get Out by Lauryn Hill

Peace and love --m.g.h.

Tragic truths

I just finished the previously-mentioned Black Like Me, an eye-opening account of the absurdity of racial hatred in our nation's recent history. In the late 1950s, John Howard Griffin, a white journalist from Texas, is haunted persistently by these questions:

"If a white man became a Negro in the Deep South, what adjustments would he have to make? What is it like to experience discrimination based on skin color, something over which one has no control?" 

He decides one night to embark on a seven-week journey that would answer those questions by medically altering his skin color and experiencing the discrimination firsthand. The book is a series of journal entries, beginning the night he decides to pursue this project and ending with the world's reaction to his published work. Griffin's strength as a journalist in documenting his experience lies in his observation skills and his commitment to include details that powerfully evoke these situations for the reader.

In an afterword, Griffin's biographer Robert Bonazzi explains:

The book's evocation of naked experience, of what is being done to the narrator rather than what he does, draws us toward the center, engages our emotions and all of our senses. We view scenes in vivid detail, hear precise tones in the dialogue and interior monologue, smell fear, and taste dread ...

The power of the book is rooted in the uncomfortable truth that many people who were impacted by it would not have listened to its revelations if they were not written by a white man. If he had not been a part of a privileged class and documented the respect and dignity he was freely given before changing only his appearance, his experience would have been written off.

The flaw of the book springs from the same place of its power. While Griffin as a black man relearns social conditioning to act according to societal expectations, and while he approaches each situation with the methodology of a sociologist, he never fully relinquishes his white perspective. There are passages that, though well-intended, come across sounding racially paternalistic. He also has the luxury of being able to escape the despair of the ghetto when it begins to close in on him by asking to stay with a friend in the white area of town.

That being said, the book is still one motivated by a rare sense of humanity and courage, given the time period. Despite its weaknesses, I will echo the back cover's recommendation that this "chillingly relevant eyewitness history is a work about race and humanity every American must read."

Bite-sized inspiration

"I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you."

--Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, September 2002

Possibilities

I love this ad for its storytelling and the message of remaining open to Life's possibilities. (Like all ads featured on this blog, I am not endorsing the product nor do I have any connection to the company.) 



In a nod to Jung's synchronicity theory, Michael Buble released this song shortly before AT&T aired the ad. For a while, I pointed discouraged friends to it for a dose of optimism and hope. Then I found out that he cast his girlfriend as the main lead, which makes the song ring hollow. Not well-played, Buble. All the same, voila: